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February 6, 2010
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Liam Pool

Rules

1. The balls are lined up along the straight of the D-line, with the 8 in the middle; from the straight side of the D, 7-1 then go down the left side, whilst 9-15 go down the right.
2. The 8-Ball must be hit during the split.
3. There must be three minute breaks between shots.
4. Once the line has been split, each player must aim to sink either the 15 or the 1.
5. Whichever player sinks 1 must work their way upwards numerically through the solids, whilst the inverse applies to 15.
6. The game must be played in either dim light, or by candlelight.
7. To determine whether a player receives a second reward shot (much like in pool) after the sinking of a ball, he/she must flip a coin.
- This coin must be an Australian 20¢ piece of the 2008 vintage.
- During this flip, whomever is progressing through the high balls defaults to heads, whilst whomever is progressing through the low balls, tails.
- If the coin comes up with your side, you get an extra shot.
8. Penalties only apply to balls being sunk out of order, or sinking the opponent’s balls; contact with out-of-order or opposition’s balls is permitted.
9. Sinking the white ball results in one of your balls being returned to the table; if there are no balls to be returned to the table, then it is ignored and the white ball is placed back in the starting position.
10. If a player has three consecutive turns without sinking a ball, on the fourth turn they receive a second, bonus shot. Once this shot is taken, the turns reset to 0.
11. When a player sinks one of his/her opponent’s balls, their opponent can choose between;
a) Placing the white ball in a position of their choice, or;
b) Receiving two shots on their next turn.
The ball that has been sunk is returned to its starting position on the straight of the D.


William
Okay, so Liam is coming up with this new and exciting twist on the ancient game of pool (don't believe it's ancient? Well DRUIDS PLAYED IT! YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH DRUIDS!), that totally isn't a rip-off of snooker. He's now whistling "Killer Queen", which is an interesting coincidence, considering he is one. He likes this. The lights are dimming. I am worried. Liam is behind me, laughing.

Oh god.

Okay, the first shot is coming up, and because Liam is doing the equivalent of this game's breaking, he goes first. We have decided that the break shall be called a split, and Liam has comfortably hit the 8 ball out. Make him stop singing, please.


Liam
Well, this game is a stroke of absolute brilliance, even if I do say so myself. William just came up with our stakes! If he wins, it's very good. If he loses, I get violently raped. Incentive.

Well he took his shot, arsed the sink and now the 15 is poised to be sunk. I'm totally going to steal it. Apparently he's "fucking onto something here", so I'm going to take that to mean that he's ejaculating into one of the pockets. Hopefully not the one the 15 is poised to be sunk into.

He has alcohol. I'm scared that this game took on a totally different, terrifying level.


William
Liam sunk 15, like the fast, blistered vulture-whore he is. THAT WAS MY BALL, LIAM. YOU PUT MY BALL IN YOUR POCKET.

Innuendos aside, I would like him to stop whistling. Ah, now he's confusing Schindler's List and Schindler's Ark. "I thought Schindler had a list." Back to the game. This three minute period is proving to be disturbing. He's screaming incoherently. I'm assuming this has something to do with the game. Like sledging in cricket, but with more unfortunate symptoms of mental illness. His one weakness is lace. This shall resurface. Perhaps a lace surface.


Liam
The toss came up tails, and thus William is now going to attempt to sink ball Numero Uno. He is at the moment scrubbing his ejaculate and pubic hair from the surface, since he 'doesn't want foreign contaminants interfering with the game surface'. I'd say he's worried about impregnating it and forming a race of terrifying pool table/William people.

He's now singing what appears to be "Staying Alive".

My turn.


William
You're goddamn fucking wrong; it ain't Staying Alive, it's Black Dog by Zeppelin! Anyway, Liam's taken his shot and done sweet fuck all with it. My tuuurn.


Liam
William is now reducing my will to live by hitting the #1 ball in such a way that the #14 is now surrounded on all sides. Fan-fucking-tastic. I'm going to screw his pudgy, pale arse into that table all night long for this. Assuming I win, obviously.


William
So after some careful applications inattention and guesswork, I have achieved exactly nothing, other than pissing off the bespectacled one. In this game, thanks to the long gaps, careful, almost golf-esque aiming and planning is possible. Liam prefers to just clonk the cue ball and hope. The more I think about this, the more it seems to be a faggoty version of snooker. COME UP WITH SOME NEW RULES YOU BITCHASS.


Liam
Well I think I came out of that pretty much exactly how I went in, except my ball was no longer trapped. William just noticed that the balls sort of make a vague Southern Cross. I see someone's been dipping into the heroin and Southern Comfort a little earlier than planned.

And I agree with him, sober and clean. I'm not sure which worries me more.


William
Some might call us retarded, for using a super-powerful i7 system for writing notes, and playing retarded pool on a mini portable table. I CALL US PIONEERS! Also, new rule about the white ball getting sunk. Guess what Liam just did.


Liam
Well I've actually gone backwards. HOORAY. Well William sunk #1 and came up with a winning franchise of video game reviews in one fell swoop. Oh, and he lost the toss, so I get to have my shot rather than him going on to LIAM POOL DOMINATION, which was the aim of Hitler, Mussolini, AND Stalin. It took us close to ten seconds to remember who Stalin was. We're awesome.

Oh, and William's pouring something that looks suspiciously like semen. Nah, just kidding. Tears. Tears of a newborn babe.


William
It's Southern Comfort. So, yes, I unleashed the dragon, and sunk #1. Coin flip came up negative, so it's Liam’s turn. And he sinks white, but with no pocketed balls, it's business as usual.

SCORE:
L: - (0)
W: 1 (1)


Liam
Well, seems like William nearly got two balls in and failed hard. And William's showing supreme confidence in both my friendship and honesty by accusing me of future-stealing and breaking all his shit once he passes out from drunkenness. I love you too, William.

I hear bells. THE BELLS OF DOOM. Oh, it's the dogs. Hello dogs! Hello! AHHHHH HHHFGDDFSDFSADSA GET IT OFF IT HAS MY THROAT IT HAS MY THROAT IT HAS MY THRO-


William
Yeah, I just remembered that I hadn't let the dogs in after we came back from Hungries. Whoops. Anyway, no news on the Liam front. Shit-all has happened.


Liam
For a game called "LIAM POOL" I am doing exceptionally shithouse. William missed all the balls too, HOLD THE PHONES HE HAS AN IDEA. New rule, if you have three turns where you don't sink a ball, on the fourth turn you get an extra shot.


William
For a game called Liam Pool, I sure am coming up with a lot of the rule- BREAKING NEWS- Liam got #15 in! Here comes the toss! It's tails. My go. Good lord the excitement is paramount.


Liam
I literally just jumped for joy at the news. Well, no I didn't. Also, I inadvertently attacked William's dogs when I did the coin toss, but he gave them a cuddle and it's all good now. Apparently he unleashed a whole sweet pile of FA, and it troubles me that William is aware of Fur Affinity’s existence.


William
NOT WHAT I MEANT. But I am aware of it, after bloody Fiona sent me some.... things. Ugh. For those of you making up commentary in their heads and listening excitedly (I am very scared of you, by the way), the score is

L: 15 (1)
W: 1 (1)

So it's neck and neck. The song Driving Wheel by Foghat has drawn to a close and now Twilight Zone by Golden Earring. I've finished my nip of SC. Liam has done very little.


Liam
I always do very little things. And yes, it is what you're thinking. My life is both a) terrible, and b) criminal. I hear William scream "shit". Apparently he fucked up and did something right. He sunk 2, and he sunk my 13 as well. New rule; when you sink a ball of the opponent, they choose between either a) putting the white ball in a position of their choice, or b) having two shots on their next turn. I chose option A, and William is now making me a homemade Iced Coffee to keep me awake.

I won't sleep until Sunday, you watch. Not being able to see someone while they're pottering around in the kitchen can be quite disturbing, just hearing rattling and bangs from the next room over. Rather terrifying. Let's see who's online on William's MSN list while we're waiting, shall we?

No one of interest. Lies and slander lies and slander lies and slander lies and slander lies and slander lies and slander lies and slander lies and slander lies and slander lies and slander. Suck on that, William.


William
IT'S ALL TRUE, ALL OF IT! THE DRUGS, THE RAPE, THE GOOD LOOKS, EVERY WORD!

Well the score is:
L: 15 (1)
W: 1, 2 (2)

SHOCK, LIAM GOT 14 IN! That's
L: 15, 14 (2)
W: 1, 2 (2)

Coin flip came up tails, that's getting to be annoyingly consistent, except when I need it. SHUT UP FIONA! MY TURN!


Liam
Well I sunk 14 and William won the toss again, the toss. William has a tiny KFC. -giggles- Christ, he nearly got the 3 in, but then the awesome sexual power that is William pulled it to a stop right on the edge of the pocket.


William
If I had sexual power over these balls, I sure as hell wouldn't stop them! Well, 3 is sitting riiiiiight on the edge of the top left corner pocket! Golden Earring is still going, the 50 Best Of is cranking! THIS GAME NEEDS MORE ARBITRARY RULES! Liam has achieved nothing.


Liam
Alright, well William got a ball in, so that makes three to him, two to me. He's winning at Liam Pool. This isn't right. Oh, also, I won the toss, and he just made the observation that neither of us have won the toss to get an extra turn as of yet.


William
SCORE IS
L: 15, 14 (2)
W: 1, 2, 3 (take my hand and come with me, because you look so fine and I really wanna make you mine, DAN DAN DAN DAHN DAH DAH NAHNAH NA!...lol Jet distraction)

This GE song is too ballad-y for 11pm. Time for the Stones' cover of Everybody Needs Somebody To Love. I'm so glad to play this tonight, to play this tonight on this table that's shitty! Liam is too busy singing along to have his shot. This is inexcusable. Oh wait; he has had a shot, no result. One more bad shot, and he gets two!


Liam
William took his shot, no result. As per usual when it comes to William taking shots.

OHHHHH and he's standing right behind me. Possibly with a pool cue.


William
It's funny, according to Liam, I suck at taking shots, even though I'm winning. Seems he sucks even more. HOWJA LIKE THAT ONE? In response, Liam sinks 13 AND FOR THE FIRST TIME A COIN TOSS COMES UP WITH A POSITIVE RESULT, LIAM IS TAKING HIS SECOND SHOT. Nothing happened.


Liam
Well, I got 13 in, and then William got 5 in, both with double shots. Boo yah.

L: 15, 14, 13 (3)
W: 1, 2, 3, 4 (4)


William
Liam took his shot, nothing. It looked nice, but did nothing. LIKE YOUR SISTER/MUM/AUNT!


Liam
I have no sister, and thanks! She works hard on her body, also, depends with aunt; one of them isn’t too bad. Oh yes.


William
CEASE YOUR INCESTIOUS RAMBLINGS, CHUCKO. Liam borked his shot.


Liam
Oh yes. I borked it, hard. William just said we were even, I disagreed. Why? WHY‽

He's telling me to write shit, but I'm not sure what to write. How about "These ceramic, disembodied heads on the desk in front of the monitor are starting to really creep me out"? Cos that's true. Very true.

They see through my skin and into my soul.


William
All I see is LIAM WRITING CRAP AND NOT TAKING HIS FUCKING SHOT! The game is in an interesting position. Not too many left on the table, turns are shorter, but we are left without the traditional epic showdown of Pool. We're working on it. Liam did nothing but thwart me, just like normal.


Liam
Well I didn't even get a chance to write anything before he took his shot and gave me a straight - well not completely straight shot at my #12 ball. Listening to: Dragonforce - Through the Fire and the Flames


William
Liam's choice, not mine. Anyway, thanks to Liam's inability to do shit properly, he gets two shots. He wastes the first, but sinks #12 on the second, and the coin continues to favour him, giving him a totally unprecedented THIRD SHOT. Which he wastes, but nearly pulls off. He's good at pulling off.

L: 15, 14, 13, 12 (4)
W: 1, 2, 3, 4 (4)


Liam
Woo yeah, actually not a bad couple of shots for me there. William took his two shots, bugger all. I am superior!


William
Scores are LEVEL, superior-boy. Song is Deep Peace by Devin Townsend. Liam is having an elastic malfunction. Also he failed to sink anything. LIAM POOL: NOW BROADCASTING THROUGH YOUR VERY PSYCHE!


Liam
Well we both took our shots, and they both did bugger-all. We are not retarded. At all.

ARHURURURHRURRRRRRRR.


William
Liam took his shot, then said, and here I quote, "AHURN NERN NERN GHHHHR GO GO ROLL PLEASE, NO, GO IN BE MY FRIEND."



Not retarded.


Liam
I touched William on the arse and he missed the shot. I am a subversive master.


William
I nearly almost didn't not do anything. I think. No sinkages, anyway. Liam was unsuccessful.


Liam
Well I didn't manage to do anything. Fucking tosser essentially guaranteed I'd waste my first of my two shots getting away from all his faggot balls that are full of gay and homosexualness.

Yes, all three.


William
Like Proust, he is. "FUUUUUUUCK!" - Liam. I guess that's my - whoop, no, he sunk #11, and pulls into the lead. I did mention how good he was at pulling it. Tails, though.

L: 15, 14, 13, 12, 11 (5)
W: 1, 2, 3, 4 (4)


Liam
Well, I could have gotten three balls in if the 10 and the 9 had been reversed, but what the hey. I got the 11 in, he just took his two shots and did nothing, but apparently made my next turn either easier or harder. I wasn't sure which he said. I'm rather deaf in my middle ear.

It's a fantabulous night to make romance.


William
Liam's playing Moondance by Van Morrison. The night's magic didn't help Liam much this time, and he failed like Tommy did outside of Motley Crüe.


Liam
well after a rather civil discussion involving my  severed penis and my ear, I have agreed to stop singing Moondance to William. And Van Morrison. Van isn't very happy, he's sitting in the corner brooding.

Oh, and William didn't do anything. Except make me cum. Three times. in 2.3 seconds.

He's a wizard.


William
To sum up what happens when you play Liam Pool, you spend several hours doing nothing, except sometimes when you do something. Liam achieved the former.


Liam
Jesus, William (in the words of Microsoft Golf 2000) "Sliced it!" and did absolutely fuck all.

Goddamn I want to play Microsoft Golf now.


William
Goddamn, I need to get back in this game. Liam Pool is an unforgiving mistress. Liam didn't do much, and now he is engaging in some PG swearing.


Liam
I just got a nice look of William's plumber's crack. I get two shots now! William had "NO RESULT, FUCK YEAH". Picture Misato with her fist raised, if you will. Or Seaking.


William
Liam is singing a catchy compilation of 4chan memes. He sunk #10, and one of my balls (7).


Liam
Fucking hell, William got 5 and 6 in, and then got two Tails tosses, so gets another two shots. He didn't get anything else in, but; still, fucking lucky bastard. "Skill" he says. "bullshit and horrible, childraping lies", I say.

L: 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10 (6)
W 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 (6)


William
I was soooo close to getting the 7 in! And Liam doesn't know he sunk the #10, and to celebrate after I informed him he had, he sunk white, and 10's back on the table. Sweet, sweet... something. Not quite irony, but delicious nonetheless.


Liam
Fucking fuck of fuck, I was so close. well, I wasn't, but fucking hell all the same. Also, William is made of iron, not me. Fucking faghat.

Also, he sunk 7. Twatmongler that he is.

L: 15, 14, 13, 12, 11 (5)
W: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 (7)


William
I'll let you in on a secret. After I sunk 7, I actually took a shot without flipping the coin. I realised my mistake and returned the balls to their place. Liam, on the other hand, sunk #10, and then flipped, got heads, and impersonated an elephant with its balls in a vice, which I assume means it's my turn.


Liam
well, this is- oh fuck, William got the 8 ball in. He won. William won Liam Pool.

I'm calling Kofi over this shit, the UN should get involved*.





*They shouldn't. And I'm pretty sure Kofi isn't in charge anymore.   -William.




SUMMING UP

Liam

HOLY SHIT THIS BIT IS SUMMING UP BIT OH YES OH YES SUM THAT SHIT UP LIKE A DIRTY SLUT



Well. For a game I conceptualised and made up half the rules for, I suck hard at it. Probably because a lot of the skills needed are the same sort of skills necessary for pool, which I also suck at. So all in all, I suck at Liam Pool. I suck Liam pools. I suck Liam. I suck William. Myes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

HARDER.

...I'll stop.

JUMP.


WILLIAM'S SUMMIN G UPP HOLYLDSFSKDJGFD:KLFJKLDSFSDKJ MY SPINE

Thanks, Van Halen! Well, that was pretty fun, although said fun was certainly enhanced by my awesome victory! I still think this games needs some tweaks in the rules department, but it is good for taunting and a change. It'd also be improved by not having to write this tripe. Anyway, it's all good.
Myself and :iconkingkrapp: created a new sport.

We're aiming for Olympics 2012.
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:iconyorricksfriend:
yorricksfriend Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2010
You realise that the candle industry would love you for this, inventing a game that involves waiting around for 3 minutes between turns and penalises a pocketed ball for pocketing the cue ball.
Actually I think you should make the candlelight compulsory, screw dimmer switches or lamps. Also, make it compulsory to play in a cramped room with lots of curtains and flammable linen! Give the MFS something to do, lazy bums.
Reply
:iconmadbird-valiant:
Madbird-Valiant Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010
It's a dangerous game is Liampool.
Reply
:iconkingkrapp:
kingkrapp Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010
It's like hunting a raptor with your bare hands and covered in strawberry jam.
Reply
:iconmadbird-valiant:
Madbird-Valiant Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2010
PRECISELY what I was thinking.
Reply
:iconkingkrapp:
kingkrapp Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010
AND THE BALLS ARE CLEANED WITH PETROL
Reply
:iconyorricksfriend:
yorricksfriend Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010
And the surface of the pool table is made out of the stuff those old matches that you could light off of any surface were made out of.
Reply
:iconkingkrapp:
kingkrapp Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010
Also, I'm surprised you didn't get the Chad Scrabble reference.
Reply
:iconkingkrapp:
kingkrapp Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2010
And the balls themselves can be made of flint.
Reply
:iconorange-bell:
orange-bell Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2010
A little TL;DR but still quite interesting.
Reply
:iconmadbird-valiant:
Madbird-Valiant Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2010
xD
Reply
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